TBH- Saying No Is Hard

“One key to successful relationships is learning to say no without guilt, so that you can say yes without resentment.” -Bill Crawford

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I’ve always loved being around people, especially when I was younger. I look back now and realize I was really quite the extrovert. I loved hanging out with my friends and I would seek out the opportunities to do so. I loved playing sports and meeting new people. I was always open to saying yes. Fast forward to Anna as a 25-year-old and you see someone a little different. Don’t get me wrong– I still love being around people and meeting friends for coffee or dinner. I also love making new connections. But every day I am realizing something about myself that is quite frustrating to say the least… I can’t say no without feeling guilty or feeling like I’m putting someone at a disadvantage.

Do you know the feeling? The feeling of, “well, if I say no then they’re going to think I don’t like them,” or “if I say no then they’ll be mad at me.” Saying no is a hard thing to handle for a person who puts forth so much time and energy worrying about what other people think of them– The person who rehearses what they’re going to say to someone before even having to say it (and will most likely still get nervous and anxious and forget everything they rehearsed two days before). Hi, I’m that person. It’s nice to meet you.

A person who has difficulties saying no will most likely understand what I mean when I say this – Saying yes is exhausting and overwhelming. Here’s a part of myself that I come to fully understand and accept: I have a social meter. And when that meters runs low, the tears flow (poetic, right?). That is when I absolutely do not want to make plans or go through with plans made when my meter was full. Here’s the thing: Rehearsing conversations in my head is exhausting. Making plans for next weekend or doing that thing you feel obligated to do just to make someone else happy is exhausting. But I can’t say no because then I’m a terrible person or a terrible friend. This is the battle I fight daily.

Now, I realize I’m a working progress when it comes to saying no, but I don’t think it’s right to do things that make you unhappy or cause you to feel mentally drained just to make someone else happy or to validate your relationship with them. Now, I’m not saying putting others before yourself isn’t the right thing to do. As a Christian, I see it as “God first, other’s second, I’m third.” But how am I supposed to be present in my relationships or with opportunities when I’m mentally drained and have nothing left to give? Well, guess what. Having a limit is OK. Saying no is OK. Canceling weekend plans after having a mentally exhausting week is OK. Being honest and saying you want time to yourself is OK.

To those who struggle with saying no– I get it. I totally get the struggle. It’s a battle each and every day. But you and I are worthy of being happy, and saying yes to something that immediately makes you feel unhappy or overwhelmed is not worth saying yes to. If someone is offended by you knowing yourself and taking care of your mental health by saying no to plans (last minute no’s count also because life happens and social meters run out suddenly), then so be it. You know yourself best.

Embrace saying no. And don’t worry, you’re still a good person.